Bits and Pieces

Happiness

2011-01-17T09:51:00.000-08:00

Happiness…..

I recently read a book called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I loved this book! What called me to it was the idea that she was trying to add something to her life, to be more present in the life she was living, and to find more contentment and happiness in everyday life. Of course, as you can imagine, I was a bit weary of her ideology…would she really do that…add things?...or would she up and leave her life for a new and exciting one ? Think Eat, Pray, Love. I love the idea of thinking about life, how to enhance it, and be fully present in it, but seriously! I am BUSY!! So are you!!!! How would we, could we, possibly add MORE to it and survive???? To be clear, I didn’t buy this book because I am unhappy….far from it…but I, too, realize that I could be more present in my life, less scattered, less grouchy (yes, at times!) and more productive so that I could enjoy the things that really matter to me the most.

Gretchen Rubin researched happiness….a lot! She read everything she could get her hands on about it. In the book, she refers to her research quite often, and that is one of the things I loved about it. She was very methodical in how she approached this “Project” and basically what she did was to focus on what would bring about happiness, and how she could be herself while experiencing more happiness. Each month she added in a new resolution which she charted daily to be sure she was actually doing it. She set out her plan, and day by day went about achieving it. The book made me think and question a lot about my life. I actually wrote down about forty questions it brought up for me, and every now and then I’m going to tackle them here. The resolutions she tackled are: Boost Energy, Remember Love, Aim Higher, Lighten Up, Be Serious About Play, Make Time for Friends, Buy Some Happiness, Contemplate the Heavens, Pursue a Passion, Pay Attention, Keep a Contented Heart, and Boot Camp Perfect (get the book to see what that means!).

For me, even more intriguing than her resolutions were the TWELVE COMMANDMENTS she came up with for herself. As she thought about happiness, and what she needed to have it, she decided to sort out the principles that were important to her and throughout the book she refers to them often. They are: (Remember, these are hers, not mine..)
1. Be Gretchen.
2. Let it go.
3. Act the way I want to feel.
4. Do it now.
5. Be polite and be fair.
6. Enjoy the process.
7. Spend out.
8. Identify the problem.
9. Lighten up.
10. Do what ought to be done.
11. No calculation
12. There is only love.

I’ve started thinking about what mine are, and I’m not sure! I like a lot of the ones she made, especially number one, although I think that number one might be the hardest of all. To accept yourself, faults and all, for who you are and to be okay with that. I’m okay with lots of parts of my life…but as a whole? I think so, but it is something to think about!

This year I have started listening to the Daily Audio Bible. I am really enjoying it! I, like millions of others, sort of made resolutions for this year…you know, eat healthier, exercise more…etc. BUT, I think this is the resolution I will be able to keep that will be the most precious to me. I’m really enjoying it, and have been able to fit it into my days. I think it is already bringing more happiness to my life! So, as the year progresses, I am going to think about happiness. I'm going to think about the questions I have floating around in my mind, and for now ask you this: What are the “Rules” you live by?

Three little words.....HUGE impacts

2010-10-02T18:31:00.000-07:00

Three little words….

Our language is so complicated! Yes, we have phonics rules for everything, but there are exceptions to pretty much each of these rules. Yet, with just a few words one can relay such depth of meaning that it is sometimes staggering to realize the impact our words can have on another human being.

For instance, How are you? These words seem simple enough, but the person answering must decide how much to share. Does the recipient want the cursory “Fine, and you?” or do they really want the nitty- gritty details of how you really are? (They usually want the Fine, and you….in case you are wondering!)

What about the words: I am afraid. These words, though simple, can have a person make decisions that they are not really comfortable with, but do anyways. For instance, I got the flu shot this year. I didn’t want to, but I started thinking about what I would do if I got the flu. How would I take care of myself, and my kids? So, the fear set in, and off I went. Fear can also stop a person from enjoying new experiences, relationships, and opportunities. For such a small word, fear carries a huge meaning!

The words I’m not happy can bring about a host of change. Enough said!

I trust you is an easy thing to say, but a difficult thing to do (sometimes). It surprises me how much those words can impact a person. I will be honest and say that I wasn’t sure if I would be able to trust someone again, and yet, as time has passed, I have learned that I can and do.

I love you. These words bring about so many feelings. Surprise, happiness, hope, and love returned are just a few things I have felt when those words were spoken to me. Sometimes the unexpected joys in life are the ones that take you by surprise. Yes, I thought I’d love again. I hoped I would! I didn’t know if I’d be able to trust it. I have found that I can and do. (Yes, if you are wondering, those words have been spoken to me recently!)

How about Tahiti? No, I am not going to Tahiti! But, upon discussion of my upcoming birthday, those three words were jokingly thrown out there. They made me laugh out loud! To think that someone would even think of something like that made me smile.

So now to update you, since I haven’t written in FOREVER!!! If you recall, a long time ago I wrote that I had heard life was made up of 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows. I thought it was a neat sentiment (until I started in with the sorrows!). I know that life is full of ups and downs, and will always be full of unexpected surprises, both good and bad. I am happy to tell you that I am enjoying some of the joys now and much of the sorrow has ceased. I still struggle with day to day things, like we ALL do, but there is now a measure of joy that has been missing from my life for a very long time. I am happy and blessed to have met someone special. Who knew being set up by a friend would be so much fun!?

Spring has Sprung!

2010-04-08T19:30:00.000-07:00

The weather has been absolutely beautiful around here lately! I love it! I have planted a bunch of flowers, gotten lots of fresh air, and enjoyed a weekend of company over Easter Weekend. My kids are in Montana right now, freezing! They have both enjoyed ski school, and I am glad the trip is going well. I miss them, but have been very busy doing lots of fun things around here this week.

I have a few more weeks of this class I am taking, then a couple of weeks off, and on to the summer's classes! I am really making headway in the program, and that feels really good.

I had the neatest experience the day before Spring break with some of my students. A few of them (five) and I were walking through the campus, and they said that they thought it would be fun if just the five of them were my students. They said, "We would READ a ton, and WRITE a ton!" Then they said that we wouldn't take a summer break, okay, maybe a week (WHAT!!!???) but we would have so much to do that we wouldn't want to be apart much longer than that. They said, "Can you imagine how much we would research?" That has brought a smile to my face all week.

I enjoy teaching very much. I'm glad I am working towards furthuring this career. Even when the going gets rough, I try to remember times like that I share with my "kids."

Lots of fun things have occurred this week, and I am making the best of being without my kids. I miss them. BUT, I have done a lot to make things more smooth when they get home! Plus, I read a GREAT book written by a friend of mine.

Life is good.

I'm back!!!

2010-03-27T19:13:00.000-07:00

Well, quite a bit of time has passed since my last post.

Blogging is interesting…it has helped me process through so many things, and I have enjoyed writing about the most personal things. Sometimes I feel to just write something, anything, seems frivolous. And, then other times that is all I want to write about. I struggle with how to keep “it real” without being too serious!

Dating. Hm.... This has to be one of the most difficult things to do after so many years of not doing it!!! I can’t go into it in any detail, since this blog is available to anyone who cares to find it, and I might say something that could be misconstrued or misunderstood.

School is going well…but WOW has it been a busy semester. I am close to completing a class, and then one more large project for another class, then I get a whole two weeks off!! I have figured out the game plan for the rest of my studies, and will knock out two more classes this summer. My kids are over it. REALLY OVER IT!!!! Seeing mom glued to the computer is not much fun. I feel their pain! Haha

Speaking of the kids, they are doing great. School is going well, they have tremendous teachers (who don’t know about this blog so I am not kissing up!), and soccer is fun and challenging. Grant is still playing the piano and he plays often now that I have bought a real piano for our home. I love to listen to him play. They both enjoy reading, too, and they continue to get along for the most part! Yeah!

This isn’t long, but I wanted to say Hi to any readers, and let you know that I am still here… I will try to write more often. I really took a break, but I had good reasons. Trust me.

The Characters in our Lives....

2010-01-24T17:29:00.000-08:00

“People come, people go – they’ll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past.” ~~The Rescue

Have you ever read a book that affected you so much that when you finished it you were sad? I have done that. Some books also affect me so that I can’t stop thinking about them for days, or even weeks. I love books, and have an extensive library of them. I have books in several different genres, whether they are children’s books, historical fiction, biographies, teaching books, religious, religious fiction, cook books, quilting books, self-help, study guides and art books. There are some books in my collection that I couldn’t possibly tell you the details of, but I could definitely tell you how I felt while reading it. I have some that I look at and I can tell you what was going on in my life during the time I read it. Others I pick up and have to ask myself whether or not I ever got to it. I do have many books that need my attention! So little time….

In my last blog, I mentioned that I have started dating. Dating is completely different from when I last did it!!! Now, you email one another, and have conversations about all sorts of topics, before you even share a phone number. Then, once you are finally ready to do that, you share and may even later actually go out. You have already filled this person in on so much of your life and you have learned a lot about them, too. Plus, with today’s age, they have already checked you out on the internet…to see if you are crazy or not! Haha We all have to be careful, especially with kids.

The quote above made me think about my current situation, and the possibilities that lie ahead. I am excited about my future. I am excited to get to know the new “characters” (or character?) and to add them to the book that is my life. I have closed the other book I was engrossed in, and have set it on a shelf. It will always be in my library, and I can tell you how I felt when I was involved in it, but I can also tell you that I am okay with it being put away. The new book I am “reading” is quite interesting.

Lots of firsts

2010-01-18T18:27:00.000-08:00

One down, several more to go! I just turned in my first assignment for my new class this semester…a five page paper on the importance of play. Remember when you were a kid and you spent the day lost in your own world? I used to create a home on the deck, with my sister and a ton of blankets. I loved doing that. And, with bunk beds in our room, we could make apartments. I loved putting a lamp in my little space, and it is a wonder we didn’t catch something on fire! Play…practicing for grown up life….being silly and creative….and dreaming of a future.

I don’t play like that anymore. Well, maybe I do! I rearrange my furniture, pictures, things and I imagine a future ahead. I daydream of places I’d like to visit, and if someone would play along, we could pretend! Of course, that would be unconventional, and when is there time for such silliness…yet…..

My girl is home from her ski trip to Utah. She had a good time, especially on the second day. I am happy for her. She experienced something special being in the mountains and the cold air, exercising and enjoying the exhilaration of skiing down the mountain. Actually, snowboarding. I always call it skiing and she gets after me! She was supposed to go to her Dad’s tonight after picking up her brother (he opted out for a weekend with mom), but I got a text this morning asking if she could just come home and stay here with her brother. Okay!!! We missed her, too.

I taught my little tycoon how to play Monopoly. I won the first game, and then the second game by $1 (seriously) and then lost by about $6,000 the next game. My record is not improving!!! His definitely is. He loves it, as I knew he would.

In my new class I am going to have to blog about teaching. I don’t know yet where that will be posted, but I may post some here, too. I really do enjoy writing.

Oh, and I went on my first date this weekend. That first is done. It went okay, sorta, but he is not the one for me and my kids.

Kiddos

2010-01-09T18:09:00.000-08:00

I really miss my kids today. They called me on the phone and we chatted a bit, and I love to hear their voices. Tonight I am realizing how hard the next chapter of our lives is going to be. I wish that fairy tales came true. What would you wish for if they did?

YIKES!!! Lesson learned!

2010-01-02T08:05:00.000-08:00

Oh, the sweet sound of the HOUSE ALARM!!! at four in the morning????? Both kids in bed, dog in crate, me asleep...how did it go off??? So, when they call to say is everything alright, the answer is I DON'T KNOW!!! And, then the police come out and as you are scared to death in the upstairs of your home, afraid to make the treck down the stairs for fear of what you might find...you have to do it because how else will you let the police in? And, then once down the stairs you see why it went off. The front door wasn't bolted. You thought you checked it before bed, you ALWAYS lock it, but alas, it wasn't and the door somehow slid open at four. If someone had done it, the dog would have gone nuts as she thinks she is quite fierce, and it is directly by where she sleeps, so it just slid open. The policeman was kind, double checked to be sure noone was in the house (looking in showers, closets, etc) So, tonight when I go to bed, and set the alarm, I will first be SURE all doors are deadbolted. What a night!!!

On another note, and this is sorta sad and funny(!), my kids were telling me that there is this service that you put information about yourself on the computer and then they find someone that you might like to meet and you can even get married! When I asked them if it is EHarmony, they both said "Yes!" They told me they think I should join. Then I fessed up that I had done that this week. They were SO HAPPY! Grant said that he can't wait til I get married again. I asked him why and he said he doesn't want to have to take care of me. Someone else can do it. I told him he doesn't have to, that I can take care of myself, and he gave me the "sure you can" look. Awww....

Anyways, they then proceeded to let me know what I should be looking for in a man. Grant says I need to date a football player! Someone that will do stuff like that with them. Audrilyn said he has to be willing to do things with her, too. But that she'd love to go to games. I told them not to expect a football player, but that before I would marry anyone, they would have to love them and me. They both smiled. So, my little match makers are scheming....sad and cute.

"It is a special day!"

2010-01-01T09:22:00.000-08:00

Well, I couldn't agree more. This morning, when I asked my son to go get dressed, he went up to his room, moved this and that around, then came back out in his jammies. I have to smile....Um, son? You need to get dressed! Oh, yeah!

So, I went about my day and he came to me and asked me to button his shirt. I absentmindedly (no laughing allowed!) looked up from what I was doing, and there he is, in his "finest". Okay, maybe not his finest...but for him, he was DRESSED UP! No, he didn't care that the sleeves are WAY too short (guess I need to get in his closet and clean out...he is growing SO FAST!), that he had no shoes on, or that his teeth hadn't been brushed yet, but this is what he said: "I know I don't usually dress like this unless we are going to church, but this is a special day!" I asked him what was special and this is what he said, "The special thing about New Years, is that it is a celebration of God and Jesus giving us a New Year. We can do a lot of stuff because “Thank you God for the New Year”."

From the mouths of babes.....

The Plan

2009-12-31T13:27:00.000-08:00

Ahem. Yes, it is that time of year again…time to think of what went well, what didn’t, and what could be improved upon for the next year. Yet, I am really not the “New Year’s Resolutions” type of girl! I think that there is never a better time to start something you see needs “fixing” than that moment, then and there. However, tradition is tradition, and I am a traditional girl! So, in a nutshell, I have been thinking, reminiscing, and planning what my life is going to look like (at least the parts I have any say over!) in 2010.

I am going to remind myself to smile more.
I am going to continue boring my kids to death with “I love you’s”.
I am going to spend more time with friends.
I am going to complete a bible study.
I am going to volunteer my time, efforts, etc. somewhere and make it become a part of who I am all year round.
I am going to walk more.
I am going to cook more meals for my family (healthy ones, too! Watch out kids!)
I am going to begin dating.
I am going to make good decisions for me and the kids.
I am going to be creative.

I had an interesting conversation with my girl today, and she reminded me inadvertently that she respects me, is proud of me, and wants to make decisions in her life that she can be proud of. She said that “happiness is found right at home, and if you can’t see that, you’ll never find it.” She has NOT heard me say anything like this, and it is innately in her to feel that way. I couldn’t agree more. She is worried about her dad. Poor thing. I was going to write that she shouldn’t even have to think about things like this, but why not? She is learning first-hand about what kind of things she wants to focus on in her life, and people are at the top of her list. I don’t know that I could have explained it or taught it to her any better .

In a book I have been reading about inspirational women (Fanny Crosby, Harriet Tubman, Helen Cornelius, and Mother Teresa to name a few) and their stories, one woman who struggles with many tragedies and heartaches, sickness, and finally death says that she wouldn’t trade her experiences for anything. She is glad to have had them, because she can learn from them and be there for someone else going through it. She will understand. She will be able to help in some way. She was remembered by a high school friend (the author of the book), and the impact she had on him has been life changing for himself and his wife. I want to be remembered like that. I want to pass a legacy of love down to my children, and anyone else that knows me.

So, in 2010 I will focus on taking better care of me, so I can take care of more people that need me. I will continue to grow, learn, and make mistakes. Unfortunately, I’ll probably say the wrong thing. I’ll want to say things I shouldn’t because the kids will have to figure it out on their own. I’ll try to do those things less and less each day. I’ll forgive myself for the mistakes I have already made, but only if I learn from them. I’ll smile more…I’ll smile a lot. I’ll try to be someone that my kids can count on, look to for strength, and I’ll be a friend that will listen, understand, and support anyone in need.

I’ll be there for you.

And it is done.

2009-12-28T13:47:00.000-08:00

Hi all, just a quick update that yes, the divorce is officially done as of December 21st. I just found out for sure today. According to my friend, that was the shortest day of the year. I'm okay. This was a train wreck that could not and would not be stopped. I tried. Oh, well.

I'm visiting a good friend at the beach. We have ridden bikes, gone for walks, drank tea, read books, and talked and laughed all day. If you have to get this kind of news, this is how it should be done. I'm thankful for her.

When you wish upon a star......

2009-12-25T12:46:00.000-08:00

The kids and I decided to start of the Christmas season in style! We went to Disney to celebrate "us" and to enjoy the parks. The kids have only been when they were too small to remember, and I have been wanting to take them forever, so no time like the present, right?

We left after school on Wednesday the 16th, and on the way Grant let me know he had "hurt his finger" at school that day. I will admit, I kinda blew it off, as Audrilyn had broken her finger the week before and I thought it might be a sympathy/attention getter...good parenting, huh? Well, when I did look at it that night, it was quite swollen. But, we were headed to the park, and I could touch it, and he could move it a bit, so no problem, right? Again, good parenting 101! ha

We stayed at the All Star Movies Resort on Disney, and went to Magic Kingdom on Thursday. What fun! We rode Space Mountain first, and Grant loved it!!!! Audrilyn did not! In fact, I have never seen her react to a ride like that before. But, she recovered, and we went about our day. Grant continued to complain about his finger, and so I took him to the First Aid at the park (Ok, first good parenting decision!). They said they had no idea...and they could send for someone to pick us up and take us to the urgent care center, then pick us up when we were finished and take us back to the park or to the resort, whichever we preferred, for FREE! Only at Disney. So, we opted to leave the park (now I am seeing how much pain he really must be in!) and got it xrayed. Not broken, but definately sprained was the diagnosis. So for the rest of the trip, he sported a splint for his sprain and she sported a splint for her break. And, oh? Did I mention they told EVERYONE they came in contact with about it!?

We had tickets to the Mickey's Christmas Party that night, so even though we missed several hours during the day, we were more than able to make up for it that night. We rode ride after ride, with Thunder Mountain becoming their favorite that evening. We rode it four times in a row! The lights were amazing, the parades fun, the programs spectacular, and the kids adorable. The rain dampened (haha) things a bit, but we just went with the flow....hair, clothes, who cares? (I had recently had a body perm in my hair, but there was no reason to blow it out...as I usually do...since the rain would have made it curly, anyhow!) We are at DISNEY!!!

On Friday, we went to Animal Kingdom and discovered the Mount Everest ride. It is a great roller coaster (are you sensing a theme?) and we rode that seven times that day. They wanted to go again, but my brain and tummy were shook up enough after that many times! It goes fast, forwards, backwards, around loops, in the dark, in the light, etc. Great fun! We also saw a show about Nemo and enjoyed seeing the animals. We didn't get to the safari, but decided to try the next day.

On Saturday, we went back to Magic Kingdom, had breakfast, and rode rides til the afternoon. Then we left and popped over to Animal Kingdom to catch the safari. It was worth it! We all enjoyed it. Then back to Magic Kingdom for the grand finale! We stayed til 11:30 that night, rode Space Mountain again (after waiting for 80 minutes without a complaint from either of them!), and this time Audrilyn loved it. They made friends with some teenagers in line who are actually from Georgia, and I was entertained by the hilarious conversations that ensued. The minutes did fly by! We saw fireworks, drank hot cocoa, and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

The kids are at the age where it was magical...yet, they spent a lot of time deciding "which stuff was real". The fact that they thought some of it was was magical to me. They were the perfect companions to see Disney with. After visiting Disney, we went to visit my grandfather and his wife for a bit. That was a really nice time too. I need to put some of those pics up,too...but alas, they are still on my camera...another time!

I am attaching pictures of our trip...just a few...I took a ton! I am really glad we did this. Hm.....shall we try it again next year? We all vote YES!

Got any plans?

2009-12-15T15:45:00.000-08:00

I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been consumed with other things. School work (I know I need to send that to you, Mom!), kids, work, Christmas, divorce, trying to figure out my life, pursuing interests, and trying to figure out my life. Yes, I said it twice on purpose.

I spend time thinking positive! Really I do! Planning fun activities for the kids. Rearranging the furniture in my house. Buying a new couch. Reading book after book on how I should, may, might, could feel and be like after going through the hell of the past few months. One book I read said that we should be thankful for the hard times in our lives, because they are an opportunity to learn, grow, and understand another who is in the same situation.

For the most part I am doing great. Everyone says I am much better. That is good because I feel like I have been a mess!! I guess lately I have been taking two steps forward and one step back, which is better than the alternative. Yet, isn’t it amazing how the person that hurts you most in the world can turn and twist things to make you feel like you are a bad, mean, unreasonable person? I experienced this tonight.

The divorce is almost (or completely!) final, I don’t know which one it is. It is on the desk of the judge, waiting for the signature and stamp erasing my life. Eradicating everything that meant anything to me in the world. I know, I have my kids. I know! And I am so thankful for them. They are what has kept me going, more than anyone may ever know. And yet our lives are forever changed. The divorce has hit them full force lately. It took a year, but all of a sudden, they are upset. She cries when she has to go to his house. He told me he wishes we could find some way to make Daddy change his mind. He wishes the girlfriend would find someone new. And in the next breath, they tell me how wonderful she is! Everyone is mixed up. Well, maybe not him, but the rest of us are! Haha

I finished my class, and made a good grade. I am pleased since I think I did a good job juggling everything. My job is such a joy in my life. 45 little kids really help you get your mind off of yourself! I am excited about how I am making the house my own. My own two kids are what keeps me moving forward. I try to make the best decisions I can for them. We are heading to Disney tomorrow. I can’t wait. Neither can they! It will be an amazing thing to watch them take it all in. I am so glad I decided to do this.

I am contemplating what my life should be like. I am noticing a need to do more for others. I don’t know what I am supposed to do, but I am searching. I have a lot of love to give. There are a lot of people that need it. I need to figure out how best to use my talents to help another. My mind races with the possibilities!

I am looking forward to a future. I received a Christmas card today that made my eyes tear up instantly, but here is what it said: We don’t always know what the plan is, but we always know there’s a plan. Wishing you peace, hope, and joy in the certainty that, somehow, God has got it all worked out. Merry Christmas.

Enough said.

Pivotal Moments

2009-11-09T17:09:00.000-08:00

Language is so moving. The written word can describe thoughts and feelings in such a way that one feels like they know another, and I mean really know them. The connection to those characters, both fictional and real, can be so strong and so compelling. How amazing that 26 letters can comprise the depth of feelings when manipulated and arranged in such a way that we gain meaning from it. The power of the written word opens up worlds, let’s one another feel like they belong, as they can relate and understand their common feelings. If one cannot read, they miss out on a world of opportunities, a richness of imagination, and a tool to allow them to experience the joys and sadness of others in this world.

To be able to read, and to be able to share your feelings and experiences through written word is such a talent. I am always impressed when I can read something that someone has written and feel like I am there, actually in the story. When the author conveys meaning to what is happening in my life, I feel like I am not alone. I feel like there is another who “gets me”, even if I have never met them before in my life.

The written word can also be translated into the visual through imagination and media. The story tellers that entertain us each week with sitcoms, dramatic series, and movies have a charm about them (most of them!) because they not only picture what is happening, but they can then bring it to life. Amazing.

This weekend I read a book, cover to cover, read manuscripts of an author’s work (thanks for sharing!), watched movies, wrote and played on the computer. I read and read and read! And, I felt better for it. I learned some things from what I read and heard, and it helped me to put some things in perspective. I experienced the cathartic nature of writing, and let some of my innermost thoughts and feelings spill onto paper.

Words, unfortunately, can be a double-edged sword, too. So much hurt can be conveyed through words, both written and spoken. One has to remember that there is power in what we say and do. Words cannot ever be taken back once sent. There is no delete button for the words we say to hurt one another.

I am blessed that I can read, that I can enjoy this aspect of my life each and every day. I have a desire to help others experience this wonder, through learning to love books. The ability to read, imagine, question, and enjoy language can provide a lifetime of relaxation, knowledge, and life changing moments. This weekend was life changing for me. Wow, the power of words. Incredible.

Happy November!

2009-11-01T07:52:00.000-08:00

This is my favorite time of year, because even though technically everything is dying outside, really, it is just getting ready to start anew, with a fresh start. I love that. Plus, my birthday is in November, and what’s not to like about that!?

My kids are doing great. They have been enjoying school, playing soccer, and generally finding their comfort zone in life. My sweet girl hit double digits last month, and that brought about a lot of celebration. I love to see the excitement in their eyes when they feel like they have somehow accomplished the world! She did the coolest thing for school, too, and I was so proud of her! Her class and another fourth grade class went to a courthouse, and in front of a real judge, tried Gold E. Locks with a jury (classmates) and all! My girl was the lead prosecutor, and the verdict was guilty!!! She did a great job. It was an awesome experience for us all. My sweet boy is doing great in school, and has been enjoying time with friends. He was at a sleepover last night and said he didn’t get any sleep, but that is was fun. He was all smiles. I love that.

I have been a bit of a lunatic with school, work, and a busy home life. Just a few more weeks and this current class will be completed. It is a TON of work, and I feel like I have had to let other things slide so I can focus on it, but soon I will be able to breath again. I am in the home stretch. Then, a month later, I go again!!! I do enjoy it, and it brings me a sense of accomplishment. My job is great. Really neat kids this year. I am going to go and watch one of their soccer games this afternoon. I asked him if he’ll be embarrassed if I cheer….he just looked at me like “Oh, please don’t!!!” Hmmmm…….

The divorce is just about done. I don’t want to focus on that too much other than to say that I am now going to be able to stay in this house til May of 2011 and possibly longer if that is working out for all involved. The kids will have some stability, I get more time to figure things out, and we keep our neighborhood friends close by. That has been a really good development for us.

I read a really good book recently, and a quote in it made me smile and take note: “I knew I could never forget my past, but I wanted to stop talking about it so that I would be fully present in my new life.” I won’t ever forget. I can’t. I don’t want to, but I do want to focus on a new life. I have been thinking a lot about what I want that to look like. For now, I have to focus on the kids. I hope to be pleasantly surprised, when I least expect it, in the relationship department. My friends are so funny, already trying to decide who to set me up with. Last night I heard a lot about a “prospect” (ha!), and everyone was weighing in on whether it would be a good fit or not. So funny. I have no idea who they are even talking about! BUT, wouldn’t it be fun to go out?

I booked a trip to Disney for the kids and I this Christmas. I can’t wait. I have always wanted to take them, and now I am! We are going to have great time, celebrating our family. Those kids keep me going everyday. I love them.

To those of you that read this, thanks for taking the time to spend some “time with me.” Your support, in thoughts and prayers, has also helped keep me going. Have a great rest of the weekend!

Hello??? Yes, I'm still alive.....

2009-09-30T18:41:00.000-07:00

Hi All! I know I have been out of touch lately. Really out of touch. Don't take it personally! I am out of touch with me, too! Let's see...I remember one time actually sitting down last week to "relax"...but all the while feeling a bit guilty as I have a TON of homework calling to me at all times. I need a vacation!

You may have heard of the floods in Atlanta..well, my basement flooded, too. Not too bad, but enough to cause me a few days of sopping up water, running dehumidifiers, and general cleaning up. I did go through several boxes of "stuff" that I had not seen in quite some time, so all in all, the flood motivated me! I feel pretty good about all I got accomplished. Nothing too valuable was lost (not monetarily, but personally), so I really can't complain.

I am one step closer to my new life. I have been served with divorce papers and the process is in full swing. It is amazing how much has to be done to get this marriage undone. Still, they sure do make it easy for one to bail. I have to attend a four hour seminar on Divorcing Parents next Monday night, and if I skip it, you won't be hearing from me cause I'll be in jail! Hahaha. Yes, it is required by the court, and I will NOT be skipping!

All this, and working full time and attending school too. Oh, yeah...and being a single parent. Never a dull moment around here. Tonight I lost it. The phone was ringing off the hook, the smoke detector needed a new battery and was beeping every 20 seconds, I couldn't get the stupid cover off to change it, the neighbor came over to do it for me and the batteries it needed were C's 3volts. Whatever! So, his dad picked them up on the way home. This same neighbor played with my kids out back for a few minutes while waiting on the batteries, and launched Grant in the backyard. Catapulted might be a better description. You should see the lump on his head. He didn't care, because the neighbor is his hero, and to me, any Senior high kid that will come over and help us out, play with my kids and randomly challenge Grant to a basketball game can do no wrong in my eyes. His parents should be so proud of him. I know I would be and I hope my kids turn out like that. Well, I finally think the beeping has stopped for good, I got my assignment submitted and I even made dinner tonight. I won't mention that my kids were so disgusted by it that they held their noses and talked themselves into getting through a few bites so they could have dessert. OK, so zucchini patties were not a hit. I liked them!

Hope your days are going well, and that you are enjoying some of the craziness this life seems to provide. Who knew it was going to be like this? It is all kinda funny in the grand scheme of things. Now, off to clean up the kitchen, and erase all memories of dinner. Aren't kids great?

2009-08-29T17:12:00.000-07:00

When I grow up……

Hope everyone is having a great weekend. I am. I have been a bit of a bum (not totally, I did get the yard work done), and have watched a couple of movies, curled up under a cozy blanket. Ah, lovely. Then I got inspired to redo my bedroom. I have been looking for bedding for quite a while now, and thought I had found something I like, when Audrilyn informed me it was boring. Then she also proceeded to come unglued from all the changes around here. She doesn’t want me to change a thing. NOTHING. My hair, my clothes, my bedding, my anything. I must admit, I find this frustrating. I also like consistency, but come on!!! Well, a good friend put it all in perspective and reminded me that she has had a lot of changes lately. This I realize, but the other thing the friend said was that so many things changed so drastically, especially Shawn and his new choices, and that she just wants me to remain steady. To remain calm. To know that she will be okay, because I am at least the same. That helped me to get a better grasp on what she is going through. Isn’t it funny how the things that are sometimes right under your nose seem impossible to understand. I did talk to her and remind her that I am not going anywhere. That I love her no matter what I look like, no matter what our home looks like, etc. Then, while she is away at her dad’s this weekend, I went out and found new bedding for my room. I think she will like what I picked out, as it isn’t as “boring” as the other set. hahaha It was time for me to make that change. I needed to. Some day she will understand even if it isn’t right now.

I have also been thinking about the question, “Who Am I?”. My class in teaching reading started last Thursday night and I was so inspired by it. I learned that 25% of the nation is functionally illiterate, and that just breaks my heart. I have a burden to reach out to the kids that have not had the chance to be exposed to literature, and the joys of reading a book. I realize that there is a huge need for adults as well, but the little ones are the ones I feel pulled toward. I am so excited to learn more, do a bunch of research (I really love that part!), and to put into practice the things I learn. As I was sitting there listening to the professor, I began to day dream a bit about what I want to do with the rest of my life. I have ideas, and they are always at the surface, but many seem impossible to actually pull off.

I have always wanted to write a book. I don’t know if you have ever read the book Amy Grant recently wrote (well, a few years ago) entitled Mosaics, but I had to laugh last night when I pulled it out to reread parts of it. I reread the foreward and in it she said that she always felt there was a book in her. I can so relate to that! Then she said that upon beginning to write it, she realized she had nothing to say, at least nothing she thought others would find interesting. I can so relate to that too! So she began by writing bits and pieces of her life. A mosaic of events, life experiences, and songs. Kind of like a blog. Now, that is something I can relate to, too. And, for me, I don’t know that I will ever write a book for real, but this is my way of putting my ideas out there, and for now, blogging is fulfilling a part of me that has long gone unnoticed.

In addition to writing, I have always had a dream to own a bookstore. A children’s bookstore, full of classics, picture books, chapter books, and lots and lots of children enjoying them. I imagine myself reading to them, helping them find the series that will really suck them into reading, and also tutoring those kids that need extra help to find enjoyment from books. I’d also like to bring in authors to inspire children to write, and yes, Rob, if you are reading this, you would be first on my list! Maybe you have seen the movie You’ve Got Mail, but if not, there is a main character that has a bookstore similar to this. I had the idea before I ever saw the movie, but the movie in some ways may have helped me to realize that it may be a pipe dream. The super bookstore drove it out of business. So sad. Of course in the movie, all ends well, but I don’t know. I am not sure my idea would really flourish in today’s world. I do imagine it, though, and know I would find enjoyment in it. I think I may watch that movie this weekend, too!!

I also have other ideas of who I am…other things I have “in me” so to speak. Teacher (fulfilling that one), Editor, Chef/Baker, Caterer, Child Life Specialist, Decorator, Counselor, Reading Coach, Author (as noted before), and more I can’t think of right now. At this point in my life, I can ask myself “Who Am I?” and I can make it a reality. At least that is what I am trying to convince myself of. My problem is that sometimes I get in the way of my own progress. I limit myself at times. I need to stop doing that!

What do you want to be when you grow up?

2009-08-26T18:37:00.000-07:00

It’s Me!!! I know I have seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth, but in reality, I have been here fighting my way through mountains of computer problems!!! I may have reached the summit, but I am a bit unsteady, so watch out! I may fall straight off the mountain!! Now there is a positive attitude! HA!

School has begun in earnest, and the kids love their teachers. I am thrilled with their classes, and the plans they have for the upcoming year. Both teachers are wonderfully supportive, creative, and you can really see how much they love teaching and kids. My kind of teachers! The kids hop out of bed each day, ready to start their day, and quite honestly, that is priceless!

I love my students. They are really sweet, and funny. I often think about how lucky I am to work with kids each day. There is something so rewarding about helping them understand how something works, building up their confidence, helping them maneuver life’s dramas, and hopefully inspiring them to “be all they can be!”

But here is the best news! My dog, Nicki, is such a sweet dog. We just adore her. We can’t get enough of her…..except her barking! When Shawn left, she decided that she was the defender of the world (all 10 pounds of her….yes, she is full grown), and since then, she has taken defender of the world to a whole new level. She has recently begun thinking that she needs to be with us, (practically touching) at all times, and in order to make this happen, all one needs to do is bark their head off outside! Atleast, that is what I am gathering from her recent behavior. So, PetSmart to the rescue. I bought a little bird house looking thing that is so small and unobtrusive. Well, let me qualify, unobtrusive to humans! If (when) Nicki barks, it emits a high annoying to dogs sound that makes her stop barking! She hates it, and thus quit barking! In only two days, she has been outside with it turned off, and yet she is still quiet. You’ve gotta love technology. Well, unless you are dealing with my computer issues!

Hope all is well in your worlds. I look forward to catching up with all of your blogs. Have a great day!

2009-08-17T18:57:00.000-07:00

Love at it’s best

Here I sit, at my computer, thinking about the many people that have made me who I am today. All the influences I have either allowed or disallowed to mold and shape me. I often think of one woman in particular when I think of where I come from. My grandmother was one of the neatest people I have ever known. She was full of life, ingenuity, patience, grace, and creativity. I remember sitting by her side, watching her sew, knit, or crochet, and most of the things I ever saw her make were for me or my sister. Each Christmas there would be a handmade knit sweater, or some other such item, and of course, chocolates. I never could eat the chocolates, because my Grandmother smoked (a lot), and the chocolates picked up the scent and the taste was distorted, but I loved getting them anyways. We often celebrated Christmas with my Grandmother, not the actual day, but the holiday. She was so funny! She always put up a small fake tree (about 3 feet tall), and instead of decorating it each year, she made an assortment of snowflakes and angels (all crocheted), and then once the season was over, she’d put that tree in the closet, ornaments and all, ready to pull out again the next year! She wasn’t one for needless work, yet she was always busy, and had an immaculate home. She was a woman that never used a dishwasher, but never was there a dirty dish to be found. She made simple foods, so DELICIOUSLY, and I still make many of the recipes to this day. I have a picture of my grandmother, and one day if I figure out how to get it scanned in and posted I will, but it is of my sister, my grandmother and I. Now, you have to understand I thought this woman was tireless. Never, ever felt that we were a burden. This picture, this poor picture, shows her looking EXHAUSTED, and my sister and I are leaned over on her, smiling so contentedly. Precious. It is precious. It is probably one of my most favorite pictures of her. She handled her life with grace. She perservered. Family meant so much to her. When I think of a situation, I wonder to myself how she would handle it. What would she say? It does help ground me. I think right now she would be saying to be patient. To hold my head high. To take one day at a time, and to expect good things to come my way. I so wish she could have known my sweet kids. My daughter is named after her, and my other grandmother, (also a strong, amazing woman). I hope she will possess and carry forth the character that these two women had, and that I can be an example to her of a strong woman, who carries herself with grace.

2009-08-14T19:03:00.000-07:00

Hi All....I'll be writing soon. Life is going well, and I am happy it is the weekend. Kids love their teachers, and they are happy. ttyl!

2009-08-08T19:16:00.000-07:00

Beauty and the Beast?

Today was a great day, full of friends, fun, and finally a few smiles.

Lately I have been kicking around the idea of what makes someone beautiful. I recently read an article about beauty, and when women feel the most beautiful. I can't remember which magazine it was, but the women in it commented that getting all dressed up was not when they felt the most beautiful. Rather, it was the everyday occurences that made them feel this way. One woman said it was when she had her three kids in tow, one when she was cooking a meal, one when she was reading a good book with a cup of tea, and another when she was enjoying her friends company. The women ranged in age from young to old, and from no wrinkles to many wrinkles. Yet, as they "spoke to me", I could imagine their eyes sparkling just a bit as they thought about this age old (pardon the pun!) question. When are we beautiful? Who decides? Why do we let ourselves question it? Why do we let ourselves doubt it? Why does the "beast" of insecurity come out?

I met an interesting woman on the plane ride to New Engand. She was sitting with me and the kids, and at first she was listening to her IPod. I didn't think much of it, as she was in her own world, and I was keeping an eye on my kids sitting across the aisle from me. As we were about to begin take-off, she mentioned that she was enjoying my kids, that she had a four year old in Atlanta, and that she was heading up to New York to try to "make it big". She handed me a photo card with several shots of her, and oh, by the way, this woman was beautiful! She told me that she is on the show Drop Dead Divas, and she wondered if I had seen it. Nope. But, maybe I'll tune in sometime to see if I see her. The kids and I shared our pizza with her, and she and I visited for most of the flight. The neat thing was, I felt beautiful talking to her, and the way she enjoyed my children made me feel like I had done something beautiful.

I do feel beautiful when I am with my kids. When I know that they are growing up to be loving, kind, and thoughtful individuals. I know my eyes shine when I see that in them, and then I feel beautiful. I also feel beautiful when I can make someone smile, when I feel I have added something good to their day. Yes, I also feel beautiful when someone compliments my hair, or something I am wearing, but really what makes me feel the most beautiful is living a life that I can be proud of. A life that is focused on what I hold dear. A life I can make a difference with.

What makes you beautiful?

2009-08-03T19:47:00.000-07:00

Sigh. Sigh. and more sighs.

Do you ever feel like you can't win no matter what you do? I have historically always put everyone ahead of myself, and now when I am trying to think of what is good for me, I get slammed.

Today started out really well! I went back to work, was complimented on my appearance, and felt like I had a bit of a spring in my step. I saw wonderful friends, heard a wonderful speaker give an inspirational talk on "touchstones" and I realized that I need to spend more time soul searching for mine. I think right now my touchstone is my children. I am so blessed by them. I really miss them.

So, I tried to do a good thing this weekend. Good for me, and good for my kids. It was difficult, but I needed to do it. I tried to move forward and I made contact with the new woman my kids have in their life. I told her that we needed to find a way to get along, for their sakes. Then, I told her how I felt about what has transpired over the past two years. I told her I needed to get it off my chest and then I could begin to move on. Surprise, surprise. She and he are upset with me. Really? I am the one they are upset with? I was told that if I am going to move forward, I need to stop making comments that are damning. I did tell her how hurt I am. I did tell her that when they tell me they have my kids best interests at heart, it falls on deaf ears. They have not put those kids first, ever. I am unreasonable because I feel that way. (atleast so I am told). You have to understand that this is the only time I have told her this. Don't I get to atleast say it once??????

This is so unfair!!!!!!!!!!!! Why am I made to feel badly because they don't want to? Why do I always have to put others first???? When will I come first? When will I be wanted and protected? When will I..........? Oh, I don't know. I need to remember that I am making progress. I was asked what I need from them. What is it that I am wanting to hear? Because they are NEVER going to say that they wouldn't have done this. They are sorry I got hurt. They are sorry the kids are hurt. Sorry. sorry. (but with no action behind it) Does that count?

I am beginning to see some things more clearly. I am really soul searching who I am. I don't know why I can't allow myself, or why they can't allow me, to stand up for myself. I told them if they really want to know what I need, it is patience!!! I need them to stop expecting me to be fine with it all. To not care. I need patience to begin to build a new life. I need them to realize that they have had all of this time to begin and build a life together, before I even knew it existed. I am exhausted.

I am sorry this post is so....blah!!! I just am beside myself with how cruel this all is. And, I miss my children. I had to peel my girl off of me on Saturday so I could go to the airport and come home to work. They have never been in Maine without me.

So, who is excited about reading a post full of happiness, promise, and hope from me??? (I know I am. It will come. I need to remember, as we were told today, that I have not been forgotten. Jesus is watching over me.) I think I needed to hear that. So until a new day dawns, I will hold tight to that, my family and friends, and my sweet children.

2009-07-22T16:14:00.000-07:00

Okay. Deep breath. Have you noticed that I seem to start a lot of these posts with the word okay? I just noticed that.

Tomorrow is mediation. I don't know if I am upset about it or glad. Will I come out with any more certainty than I have now? I hope so. The only thing I know for sure is that he is divorcing me. Not where the kids and I will live, how much money we'll have, exactly when I will have my children as now I have to give them up to be with their Dad. And, he should be with them. But that doesn't mean I want to be without them.

I am going to try to get a good night's sleep tonight. Hug my kids a bunch. Make sure they know how special they are and how much I love them. I'm also going to talk to a Child Therapist to make sure I have thought of everything.

I'm hopeful that tomorrow will not only be the end of something that has mattered so much to me, but also the beginning of a new life. I have heard from many people that tell me that better days are ahead. Some even said they can't remember being where I am, but that they once were. Time heals all wounds? tick, tick, tick, tick.

I'm hopeful and ready.

2009-07-20T19:37:00.000-07:00

Quick Update: New Day, New Post

I first of all want to thank all of you that are holding me up in prayer. I have been so comforted and I can tell you that it has made a difference. I had a hard day with the lawyer, but all in all it went well. I won't update all until the meeting is over on Thursday. That will be the day I really need to be strong and wise.

I am surrounded by friends, here and online. That brings a smile to my face and heart, and I will write more soon, but really wanted to let you know that you matter to me. Again, until Thursday is over, I can't really go into it all, but please keep me in your thoughts. My mom really helped me to get a grip on all that is at stake today, too. So, thanks Mom!

2009-07-19T07:19:00.000-07:00

My blog. I often wish it was more light-hearted. I wish it was just a blip on the radar and enjoyable to read. Then, I realize that right now my life is anything but light-hearted, and if I am not going to be REAL, and just put out there what I think people want to read, I should not be writing. I have read a few blogs that made me want to continue being REAL. I appreciate the brutal honesty. Yet, won’t it be fun when it really does become more fun!?

I am afraid. I am worried. I am looking at a future that currently makes me question everything. My friends tell me that no one knows what their future holds. That all I can do is focus on the things I can control. Quit worrying about where we are going to live. Quit worrying about being alone. Quit worrying about what my kids might go through because of this. Maybe I should, but honestly I can’t.

I can’t sleep. I still cry at night. WHY????? When am I going to start feeling alive again? He has been gone for a very long time. Yet, there is no closure. He is moving on with his life and he is happy. He has told the kids what he wants them to think about his girlfriend, that she is someone he hopes will go on another date with him. He did not tell them the truth. They are already planning on having her as their step mother. Kids are so smart. I told them it is okay with me if they like her. I don’t want them to feel torn. My sweet girl said “Isn’t it amazing how FAST he found someone?” Well……what could I say? I just said, yes. I am not supposed to tell them what he did. They will figure it out for themselves. In fact, they are already beginning to. They know we are not divorced yet. My son said to me this weekend, “Melissa, Daddy, dating, bulls-eye – DIVORCE! That’s why it is happening.” My daughter said nothing. I said nothing.

His girlfriend is probably going to take care of our dog while we are on vacation, and he is out of town. He said she likes the dog. I said what is not to like? I have great kids, a great dog, a great home, and had a great husband (I know this is up for debate!), and she took it all from me. He just looked at me.

I cried out to God, “Please don’t leave me too!!!” I need to quiet my soul. I need to pack.

This next week we are going to mediation. I have to see the lawyer, I need to prepare myself. I don’t know if I am strong enough to get through the next few months. I guess I have to be. I have heard that I have to do it because my kids don’t have anyone else. I can’t mess this up. They need someone to really be there for them.

I want to go on a date. I want to have some fun! I want to be/feel special again. Of course, this will all have to wait, and whoever I’ll go with has to materialize! My mother-in-law is praying that he will find me soon. Isn’t that funny? She is praying for someone to love me for who I am and to appreciate all I have to offer. I’m not really ready for anything too serious, and as someone told me, who’d want to be dragged into this mess??? Good point.

So, I’ll try to get a grip today. I’ll try to laugh a bit. I’ll try to accomplish something. I’ll try to focus on the things I am still thankful for. Maybe I’ll work on a post about that. Probably a much better use of my time. I was told to try to buy a house on “Gratitude Street”. Apparently, it is the ONLY place to live! I agree. I may start shopping today!

2009-07-15T17:54:00.000-07:00

My kids are great!

We are back from our new yearly vacation spot. The kids and I went to Myrtle Beach to enjoy some sun, fun, and family. My sister met us there with her son, Ryan, and the cousins played and played.

On the way to MB, I was amazed by my kids. Audrilyn came up with car games I had never heard of. She had us guessing categories, looking for clues, and all around passing the time with giggles. At the beach, we jumped wave after wave, and no one got sunburned (that is a miracle in and of itself!). The place we stayed had a kiddie pool complete with sprinklers and buckets that would fill and spill all over us. There was also a lazy river (not that we were lazy on our vacation or anything…wait a minute, we were!). But, the main attraction for Grant was the hot tub. He was chatting everyone up telling them to just get used to the heat (it was SO hot!), and that if he could do it, so could they. I am afraid he has plans for a hot tub request from Santa! I had some one on one time with my kids, walking the beach after dark looking for shells, and talking. Grant filled a grocery bag full of broken shells, and is sure he is going to make a million selling them back here at home. I tried to tell him….but…..you can’t kill that type of spirit. We talked about school starting, seeing friends, and he was so cute, because he kept worrying that we were out too late. I told him it was okay, but he said “I think we better head back now.” Such a sweetie. Audrilyn and I talked and saw fireworks being set off. I always enjoy my time with her. She is so full of life and she found a few shells, but mainly just enjoyed walking and talking about stuff. We saw a lot of things on our trip, too! Grant found a hermit crab, which we decided to keep. We went to the beach store, found a habitat, got him a friend, only to realize he was a sea hermit crab. We had to let him go. Oh, my goodness! I continue to call it a he. Audrilyn corrected me umpteen million times that it is a girl!!! (don’t even ask how she thinks she knew!). We also saw a regular crab, huge fish jump in the ocean, dead fish on the beach, jellyfish, a possible horseshoe crab baby, and lots of smiles. Oh, and we had to head back to the beach store to get another hermit crab to replace “Hermie”. My sister and I enjoyed catching up, watching our kids play, and making memories that will last forever. Oh, and I went for a walk on the beach, too. On the way home, my kids and I decided to try and come back again to this place. It will be our new tradition. We needed a happy one, and we now we have it.

Some of the vacation was overshadowed by the “situation” as my kids have now dubbed the divorce. The “d” word is no longer allowed in our home. Their rule, not mine. They struggle to figure out what all of this means for us, as I do. They miss their dad.

Oh, and for those wondering about my poem recitation: It went well. I was a nervous wreck! I had hoped to get it over with quickly, but ended up almost going last. I was glad I didn’t freeze up, as some did. It was heart breaking. It is amazing how you can know something, have practiced it all day (literally) and get up there in front of your peers and completely forget what you know. If only they had been little! The teacher told us we were being graded, and that only added to the stress. After it was all over, and everyone had gone, she told us she was NOT grading us, but wanted us to know how our students feel when we make them get up in front of their peers. Not to discourage us, but to help us understand what they are going through so we can help them build confidence. It was a valuable lesson. (although I wish she would have just told us, as it was torture!!!) Haha

BTW: If I knew how to move these pictures around, I would!

2009-07-14T14:52:00.000-07:00

Give Me a Break!!!

Okay, so this post is mostly out of frustration, and I have a much happier one coming up, but here goes:

Can you do this math problem?

broke my promise + broke my vows + broke her heart + broke up my home + broke up my family = I should get a break in my settlement.

HUH?

I posted this verse on another's comments (lisa!) but I think I need to remind myself about it too. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Soon to come....post on poem recitation, and vacation with the kids! :)

2009-07-08T17:50:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone! I haven't updated in forever, but mainly because my life has been so upside down I haven't really known what to say! So, this post is a recap. I won't really comment on much of it. You'll understand why. Oh, and Lisa, if you read this, how did the link thing go? I don't really understand all of this yet. I need your input!

*Finished a HUGE project for my class.
*Have to recite a 20 line poem from memory in front of 33 adults tomorrow night, and can't move my feet. Audrilyn says that nervousness is really extra energy I should use for fun. Love that kid!
*Leave for a vacation soon and can't wait to see my nephew.
*Looked at a home and am contemplating where we will live.
*Got a laptop (biggest purchase I have EVER made on my own).
*made a quilt top with Audrilyn
*Spent time with the girl who was my flower girl at my wedding. She is all grown up and lovely.
*I have been getting to know a new friend and value her input SO much!
* My kids met my husband's girlfriend this week, and I found out after it was done.
*My kids liked her a lot. Said she is a lot like me, but shorter.
*I can't believe this is my life, BUT it is.
*He can't come home, EVER.

Bye!

2009-06-23T16:23:00.000-07:00

New Look!

I figured it out!! I decided it was time for a new look for my blog, and I think I like it. Every now and again, I need a change. My kids are used to me changing the furniture around, getting a new hair style, or something! If my sweet girl had her way, nothing would ever change. Not me, as I like to try new things, and experience new stuff. I guess that is a good thing, considering what is going on in my life!

School is going well. Just three more weeks after this one, and I will be closer to completing my goal. It is such a good feeling to learn new things, and know that I can apply them with the kids I work with, and my own children at home. I like to learn about new techniques, new technologies, and meeting new friends is always fun.

Nothing is settled in my life, but I do feel like I am okay (today!). I am planning on taking a pottery class with a friend, and I have been setting some goals for what I want to happen for myself and for my children. I am expanding my network of friends, building deeper relationships, and I am looking forward to things I can’t even imagine yet. My girl asked me if God has something better planned for us, and I said “That’s what everyone tells me!” I sure hope “they” are correct! How do you explain to a small child that the prayers she prays each day go unanswered and that it is okay. I struggle with this myself. I have to believe it will be okay. And, truth be told, we already are okay.

I feel a sense of peace settling on us. I am constantly thinking and rethinking about life. I am forming ideas and purposefully questioning who I am, what I believe, and who I want to be. I think I’m going to be happy with the outcome. I added this saying to the header of this blog: Learn from Yesterday, Live for Today and Hope for Tomorrow. I couldn’t have said it better myself!

2009-06-17T18:46:00.000-07:00

Thoughts

Do you ever get overcome with thoughts? So many things whizzing around in your head, and you are trying to just get them to slow down, and stop making you dizzy, so you can focus on them one at a time?

I have a lot on my mind these days. School work (oh, my!), kid stuff, house stuff, divorce stuff, friend stuff, theological stuff (I’m reading the Shack…so far it is very interesting and thought provoking! HA! See! More thoughts.), and every now and again, I see a glimpse of a happier future. I have actually had moments this week, where that was what I saw! If you can’t believe it, I barely can, either. But, it is true none the less.

I also was reminded of a great memory/thought today. Have you ever had "flying" dreams? I mean where you feel like you literally can just up, up and away, and totally float through the air in everyday life? Well, if not, you probably think I am weird, but I have done that before. I really hope I do tonight. What a feeling of freedom!!!!

I have decided to follow the idea that when you are at your lowest point, there is nowhere to go but up. Of course, every time I think I am there, I realize there is just a bit farther to go. However, I was asked today if I have always been this “feisty”. Hm... Yes, somewhere down deep I have been. I have just chosen when to let “it” shine and when to hide it/bury it/ignore it. Right now is not the time for that! Feisty!!! That is me! I have no reason not to be.

2009-06-13T18:27:00.000-07:00

The Perfect Adventure

Today we ventured out to the Yellow River Game Ranch and enjoyed the woods, animals, and weather. It was a perfect day together. (Except for Mr. Man getting SO MAD at me because I wouldn't buy him a Coke. The temper made me even more resolute! I actually wouldn't have really minded, and had some at home for lunch (I know, Pepsi drinkers are aghast! I like both, but I'm weird that way), but the "fit" made that one a no go. He is such a funny kid!) So, here are some pics from today. Enjoy!

Sweet Girl with the pet de jour of the month, that she would be COMPLETELY responsible for...Really!

This squirrel literally followed us through the ranch and Sweet Girl fed it out of her hands several times. Including this peanut!

The geese kept biting her, so she didn't stay here long!

It was decided this goat, lying in the middle of a road, was meditating!
This bear was literally playing a game with my kids. They would toss a peanut in his mouth and he'd try to catch it. It actually happened for each of them! The bears are a bit down in a pit, so the only thing they are eating is what is thrown to them! haha

So beautiful!

Grant with his undone Mohawk. The picture below was such a wanna-be!

We really enjoyed our outing. I also took a ton more pictures, and we talked and talked. My kids are great. Hope you enjoyed these pictures (I couldn't decide which ones to put, so I chose a bunch!). Enjoy your weekend!

2009-06-12T08:42:00.000-07:00

Confession

First of all, I just want to say that I love blogging. I have begun reading other’s blogs, and I find the online community to be very interesting. There are blogs that are hit thousands of times each day, and I don’t even begin to know how they grew like that, but what a platform to let people know that everyday life is everywhere. That struggle’s are everywhere. That hope is everywhere. I also have begun thinking about sprucing up my blog. I guess there are ways to “sign” your name, change the format, etc. and I may play with some of that in the coming weeks. I am not exactly a computer whiz, so these changes will no doubt come at a snail’s pace, but that is okay. There is no hurry.

I feel like I owe many of you an apology. I have been such a mess lately, and I think I am leaning on you too much. I am in a perpetual pity party, and I am sorry. Very sorry. I promise you that if I knew how to get better, I would. I wish I knew what to do. I am worried that I am making so many mistakes. People are very kind and they try to help me move forward with no regrets, and I hear so many stories of others who have been down this road before. I am sure I am going to mess up my settlement, that I won’t do something right, and that I’ll have people thinking “I told you so!” I don’t know how to explain how hard it is when you are in the middle of it. How hard it is to separate your emotions from your decisions. How hard it is to put this incredible pain aside and conduct myself in a “business-like manner”. I can only let you know that I know everyone wants what is best for me (except Shawn, ha!). And, I love each of you for that. Everyone says it takes time, and I am months and months out, and still a mess. :)

This week someone asked me if I have built up walls that will preclude me from loving again, and I didn’t really know how to reply. So, I answered, “We’ll see. I don’t know yet.” As I have thought about that, I think I need to start building a wall, and the faster the better! To protect myself and my friends from my drama. So, I am going to try to lay low a bit, until this either does me in, or I heal. I am still going to be in contact, and I’ll still blog, but I need to take a break from myself. So, I apologize for it all. For needing each of you too much. For complaining, crying, and talking about it too much. For the mistakes I am no doubt going to make. But, I also thank you for loving me anyway. And I thank you for loving my kids and being there for them, too.

2009-06-10T08:14:00.000-07:00

The Look

I saw it yesterday. One of my favorite things in the whole world. It always makes me smile, and I get all happy inside when I see it. The look. THE LOOK. The look that says “I get it!” or “I am so proud of myself!”. I am helping a little boy in my neighborhood with his writing this summer. He is a really smart little guy, and his mom wants me to help him put his thoughts on paper. This is really hard for some kids to do, and some are reluctant to even try. Lots of times, I am learning in one of my classes, it is because they can’t write about the things that matter to them. The things they are interested in. So, last night, I told him we were going to do some writing, and he got that “deer in the headlights” look. Then I asked him who was going to pick the topic. He looked at me like I was crazy. Audrilyn is also writing along with us, so she piped up “me!”, and this little boy looked at her like she was crazy! Then he looked at me and cautiously said, “me?” Yes, who else, silly??? His eyes began to glow.

So, we talked about what he wanted to write about, and then we began. I told him we were going to focus on adjectives, nothing else. He again gave me the “you are crazy” look. I told him to try to make it neat enough for me to read, I wasn’t checking punctuation (this time) and I wasn’t worried about spelling (this time). He seemed to really think this might be fun! Then, I told him we would not be done once he finished, that there was more to do. Then he got that defeated look. I told him not to worry, I had a plan. So, off he went to write about his topic.

When he finished, we went through it, edited it (he noticed the spelling and punctuation errors and fixed them on his own!), changed adjectives to make them more interesting, and then the finale. I opened up Power Point (I’m still figuring it out), and we “published” his paper using pictures from the clip art. It came out really cute! He couldn’t wait for it to finish printing. Then he asked me if he could please have a copy because he really wanted to keep it in his room. Of course! It is your masterpiece! He then began talking to me about what he is going to write about next time, and what he is going to do with the Power Point. Yeah. Love that!!!

Then, after he went home, Audrilyn came to me with hers, and she is the most creative kid I know. (I am a little biased!) Her Power Point was totally different than the one I had done for a project for class, or with this little boy, and I got inspired from her. I love her sense of style. She was so funny, grabbing the mouse out of my hand and saying, “No, mom. Like this!” Okay. I’m learning. Then, Grant got in on the action and started a Star Wars story. I love my kids!!!!

So, I saw my favorite look. The one that says I CAN DO THIS! The one that says I DID IT! The one that says I’M GOING TO DO SOMETHING REALLY GREAT NEXT TIME, TOO! Makes me smile every time.

2009-06-09T11:14:00.000-07:00

My thought for the day.

Today I was having a conversation with someone about "life" and she said the most interesting thing: "We like to deceive ourselves into believing we are safe and secure in our life, but really it is not so. We can not control what happens, and life is unpredictable. Bad things happen, and we have to learn how to manage and make the best life we can." I quoted this, but I am sure I messed up her words some. The sentiment is the same, though.

I have to think about this. I kinda like things orderly. I like to know that if I do my part, what is supposed to happen will. I expect certain unexpected things, like accidents, illness, etc. But for the most part, I believe(d) that if I did what I should, the rest would go as planned. I have a lot to learn about life!

So, I am going to focus on building a new life, like a new Lego masterpiece, knowing the pieces may come apart, but that they can be put back together in a new and creative way. I am not going to focus on the destruction or reconstruction, but on the construction of a special life. I am going to try to not be as surprised when it doesn't go my way, and try to be more flexible. I think that this will ultimately free me up from my "rigidness" and help me experience more fully the life I am meant to have. Let's see...what should I do first???? :)

2009-06-07T11:34:00.000-07:00

One down, Six million to go!

I am so excited because I finally (and I do mean, finally!) finished a project I have been working on for what seems like forever. But, it has been a fun project to do because it is for one of my most favorite people in the world! I am attaching pictures of a quilt I made for Audrilyn. It is on her bed right now, and she has no idea! She has seen the progression of the quilt, and she knows it was close to being done, but not fully so. Now she can rest under it, and get a big "hug" from Mom when she uses it. She picked out the background material for the back of the quilt. It is NOT what I would have chosen, but I told her to pick out something that made her smile when she saw it. So, in true Audrilyn fashion, she did. I love her sense of style. She is such a precious girl, and I am blessed to have her influence in my life.

I also have other projects started, but actually not too many. Most of the projects I have are in my head, and there are bunches of those. I really enjoy being creative, and trying new things, so I am not sure what I'll work on next, but the material in the closet is already calling my name!

2009-06-05T05:46:00.000-07:00

Bet ya didn’t know this about me…..

Hi, all! I am finally resurfacing for a bit from the homework I have been buried under. My classes are good, and I am enjoying them. I am always amazed at the people I meet, who seem to get “me”, even though they really don’t know me. The support, help, and friendship help restore faith. And, those that do KNOW me, and still want to be there for me. Wow. You are the people that amaze me the most, and I thank you for all you do to keep me upright. :) But, that is NOT what I am writing about today.

Have you ever been out and about doing errands, or whatever, and the most amazing MEMORY hits you over the head? When a smell, sound, or such brings about such a strong recollection, and you can almost relive the moment? Well, this happened to me yesterday, and it made me stop in my tracks, so to speak. I was out doing errands with the kids, and when getting out of the car, I heard a sound that literally made me freeze for a second. It was the sound of a Honda Civic idling. (is that how you spell that?) Now, you need to understand that I am NOT a car person. Don’t care what kind of car you have, how new it is, how old it is, how whatever it is. But, I have loved a car once, and I loved my Honda Civic. When I got it, it was love at first sight! The grey, ’89 Civic was calling my name! Atleast, that was how I felt. Now, we did test drive other cars, but that was the one I HAD to have. Here is the funny part: it was a standard, and I did not know how to drive a standard, but that was the car for me! We lived in a part of Philadelphia that was hilly, and I had to go through about 30 (literally) stoplights, some on hills, to get to where I worked and went to school. But, I was determined!!!! I tried to learn how to drive it, and did OKAY, but when I finally dreamed about how to drive a standard (this is often how I figure out things that are hard for me), I GOT IT!

This car made me feel cute. Weird, I know, but true. I loved that I COULD drive a standard, and that I was actually good at it. That car gave me a feeling of independence and I really enjoyed driving it. Now, as I said before, I’m not a “car person”, but seeing that car yesterday made me remember how I felt when I owned my little Civic.

Here is how my love affair ended with my Civic. Be prepared to gasp and laugh! One icy day in Philadelphia (you see where I am going, but not fully), I was driving home and being very careful I might add! I was keeping space between the vehicles ahead of me, carefully turning the right direction if slipping (it was VERY icy!), and then, well. I had to go down a hill, and then make a sharp turn to the right. The hill was icy. Have I mentioned THAT? I was behind a school bus……(are you laughing yet?), and the school bus slid while carefully maneuvering the hill and turn, and I was far enough back (I thought), but alas, NOPE. Not far enough away, because I slid into the back of that school bus and totaled my wonderful Civic. Did I mention the school bus was FULL of kids? Oh, my. NO, no-one was hurt, except my car. The bus driver even defended me to the Police because he had slid as well, and there was no way to avoid it. I still got a ticket, but it felt less awful, because the bus driver really did know that I wasn’t being reckless. At least, it made me feel better to know that he knew that, too. The kids in the bus were bigger, and they were jumping up and down in the back of the bus, because with my Civic wrapped around it, the car would go up and down with the bus. Fun. NOT! I’m glad everyone was okay, but I had to say good bye to my favorite car in the whole world. And, yes, I am still EXTRA careful, and stay FAR away, whenever I find myself behind a school bus. And I do mean FAR away!
Have a great day, and enjoy the “thing” in your life that makes you smile the most. Whether you still have it, or not.

2009-06-01T08:41:00.000-07:00

Oh, my! What have I gotten myself into?

I started my two graduate summer classes last week, and am I going to be busy! They are about child development and teaching language arts. I am really excited about the language arts class. One of the first assignments we have been given is to think about our language arts journey. What books have made an impact on our lives? What music, or other written expression has impacted us? What have we heard that has inspired us? This is a fun project for me. We are going to be doing a TON of writing, all different types of genres. I am looking forward to that. We also have to recite a 16 line minimum poem to the class. I am not looking forward to that! We can do one written by someone else, or we can write our own. I may use this one I wrote last night, because Audrilyn thought it was hilarious. We'll see. Hope you are having a great day!

FLIP FLOP

Summer time, is the most sublime,
Because of the following perks:
Sleeping in and not waking up so early,
The humidity decides whether hair is straight or curly,
Seeing sandy beaches stretch on for miles
Watching children of all ages wearing big smiles
The never ending ice cream quests
Trying to decide which flavor is best.
Watching Mother Nature put on her show
Digging, planting, and weeding with a hoe.
Summer camps and summer fun,
Children laughing in the sun.
As the days grow shorter, and patience with siblings wears thin
Much of the laughter stops and the quarreling begins
The school year’s beginning becomes less hated
The parents decide that this must be stated:
This may not be popular, this may not be cool,
Summer was fun, now back to school!

By the way, so far my kids are getting along fine! :)

2009-05-29T05:55:00.000-07:00

Some days are better than others…but it can only last for 24 hours!!!!

Okay. I just need to get through this day. It is a rough one for me. I have decided to post something about marriage/relationship roles, because as I go through this change in my life, I am constantly trying to figure out what happened. So, I soul search, ponder, and question everything. I wrote this a couple of months ago, and I am posting most of it today. I also PROMISE I will post other things on this blog. It is not going to be a “what happened to my life?” blog. Please just bear with me. I actually have a lot of other things to talk about and I will! Can I also just let you know that if you are reading this, I appreciate your support more than I can ever let you know? There will come a day when this does not rule my life. This blog is helping me to put to rest some of the things I carry around in my head. It may sound strange, but once it is written and I press “publish”, it is like I have healed a little bit more. In a little while, I have to go get a tetanus shot, because of yesterday’s fiasco. I know it is going to hurt! This hurts, too: Today is my 15th wedding anniversary. I will be spending it without the man I married.

I have been reading a book called Composing a Life by Mary Catherine Bateson. This book was recommended to me by a woman that saw the value in me learning about how different women in all sorts of situations have dealt with life changing issues. The author relates and intertwines the lives of five different women, including herself, into the idea that our lives are really composed of many elements, and that we have to look at living as an opportunity to create a life that is basically a piece of art likened to a patchwork quilt. I love the imagery of this, because as a quilter, I know that while you often have a plan, it doesn’t always look the way you intended, and sometimes you have to reassess your colors, patterns, and threads. In addition, I also enjoy not buying all of the materials for them at once, but later finding the right piece to add that special touch. When I first began quilting, I could not see the value in not having enough material for the entire project, but as I have become more comfortable with it, I enjoy the process all that much more.

In a discussion with a friend about the idea of soul mates, their existence, and impact on our daily relationships, we explored the idea of romance and how the everyday routines can sometimes overshadow the romance, and thus change it to a partnering rather than a romantic relationship. I contended that I find the idea of someone wanting to go through life with you, sharing all aspects of your life, mundane and otherwise as the most romantic relationship I could imagine. While reading the book I mentioned above, I came across this quote: “Although we are extraordinarily romantic about marriage, we are curiously blind to the joys and benefits of real partnership. Modern ideas about the relationship between work and home, with a monetary value put on work and a tendency to devalue all forms of labor that do not bring in money, have sharpened this division.” (78) This idea really made me look at my life, both historically and what I hope to create in the future, and I had to realize that my ideas of a romantic relationship have been based on my hope that living a life together would bring fulfillment to one another. I have also had to realize that I am not really sure what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. I tried to incorporate the aspects that I thought would bring joy, contentment and peace to a relationship, and I now realize that while I made mistakes in my assumptions, I am not alone in my misconceptions.

In Composing a Life, Bateson describes her experience of marriage and relationship with her husband in such a way that I could relate to and see how my views have been shaped and how they need to be reshaped. Forgive the lengthy quote, but I feel it is imperative to understand how the ideas of what a relationship should look like have been passed down from one generation to the next. “As a young woman, I never questioned the assumption that when I married what I could do would take second place to what my husband could do. Twenty-five years later, I have slighted my own value so often that it is hard to learn to take it seriously. Instead, I get things done by finding rationales for valuing the task and then sacrificing myself for it. And all of this is available as a bad model for the next generation. These attitudes show up again and again in the texture of everyday life. For at least twenty years, whenever I interrupted my husband when he was busy, he finished what he was doing before he responded. When he interrupted me, I would drop what I was doing to respond to him, automatically giving his concerns priority. As time passed, I learned occasionally to say please let me finish here first, but usually this has made me so uncomfortable that my concentration has been lost. By now, Barkev (her husband) has learned that both of us need to be on guard against my willingness to sacrifice my time and my space, as if my goals were automatically less important than those of other members of the family. Yet we have all benefited from my peripheral vision.” (40)

I am guilty of behaving and valuing the same assumptions in my relationships. It is not that I have ever been expected or asked by another to feel this way, and yet when you are not heard, you do tend to internalize these ideas even more strongly. I have always wanted to have a relationship that I could feel like I mattered to the person I love, and that I have something valuable to add to their life. I have also embraced the idea that us working toward our common goals would bring satisfaction to us both, as we were achieving our dreams by achieving our individual dreams as well. This idea of separately building a life together is so much a part of who I am that I have to figure out a way to understand where the boundaries should lie. Yet, I do believe that the collaboration of two different individuals does create a beautiful life, and I want to be a part of someone else’s life as much as I want them to be a part of mine. Bateson suggests that the idea that two different people in a relationship can compliment one another and that this complimentary notion will aid both in their creativity. I love this idea.

As mentioned before, I want a relationship that incorporates our individuality, and our combined efforts to create a satisfying and loving relationship together. I do believe that one has to be careful not to become so involved in the other person’s life that they lose their own importance and value. It is easy for this to happen, and I don’t think it is intentional by anyone. I think that men and women have historically been raised to value their roles in relationships, and that a complimentary focus embracing those differences could help the next generation learn to value their contribution. For that is what I think it is, a contribution to the other person you love. It is a willingness to support, understand, and help them achieve their dreams, and an understanding that they are going to do the same for you. As I learn and read more, maybe my views will change, but to treat another the way you want to be treated, and achieve a creative and loving relationship together is what I believe I would find immense joy in.

2009-05-28T07:40:00.000-07:00

Happiness

I decided to attach some quotes I found on the internet that have to do with happiness. Sometimes the thing that is right in front of our face is so hard to see. So, this is a reminder that happiness exists, and while it is something that is strived for, and I think should be, sometimes it is where we least expect to find it. Have a happy day! (had to say it.)

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965)

Happiness arises in a state of peace, not of tumult.
Ann Radcliffe, The Mysteries of Udolpho, 1764

Content makes poor men rich; discontentment makes rich men poor. Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)

The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it. C. P. Snow (1905 - 1980)

Cherish all your happy moments: they make a fine cushion for old age. Christopher Morley (1890 - 1957)

Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going too fast - you also miss the sense of where you are going and why. Eddie Cantor (1892 - 1964)

Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose. Helen Keller (1880 - 1968)

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet. James Oppenheim

Seek not happiness too greedily, and be not fearful of happiness. Lao-tzu (604 BC - 531 BC)

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. Mahatma Gandhi (1869 - 1948)

In order for people to be happy, sometimes they have to take risks. It's true these risks can put them in danger of being hurt.
Meg Cabot, The Boy Next Door, 2002

Very little is needed to make a happy life. Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121 AD - 180 AD), Meditations

When you relinquish the desire to control your future, you can have more happiness. Nicole Kidman, in The Scotsman

I define joy as a sustained sense of well-being and internal peace - a connection to what matters. Oprah Winfrey (1954 - ), O Magazine

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. Oscar Levant (1906 - 1972)

No man is happy who does not think himself so. Publilius Syrus (~100 BC), Maxims

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. Rita Mae Brown

Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length. Robert Frost (1874 - 1963)

Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness.
Robertson Davies

Remember that happiness is a way of travel - not a destination.
Roy M. Goodman

Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed.
Storm Jameson

Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved.
Victor Hugo (1802 - 1885), Les Miserables, 1862

Remember that it is nothing to do your duty, that is demanded of you and is no more meritorious than to wash your hands when they are dirty; the only thing that counts is the love of duty; when love and duty are one, then grace is in you and you will enjoy a happiness which passes all understanding.
W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965), The Painted Veil, 1925

The only true happiness comes from squandering ourselves for a purpose. William Cowper (1731 - 1800)

2009-05-26T17:09:00.000-07:00

It is Time.

For those of you who know about this blog, you already know what is happening in my life. But, I am going to say it here. It is time to publicly say it. I am being divorced by my husband of fifteen years. There, I said it. I have spent the last several months in a daze, in a state of stupor, and in disbelief. This can’t really be happening. If I don’t say it out loud, it will go away. If no one knows what is going on, I can pretend I am okay. Those closest to me know that I am anything but okay, but that I am going to be okay eventually. They sometimes have more belief in this idea than I do, but that is okay. At least someone is on board with the hope of a better life! :)

So begins my journey to a new life. That is really why I started this blog. To begin to heal, and through words find some comfort. To do something I have never done before. I want to try new things. I want to feel current. Many of the books I read say that I need to find out what makes me happy. To find out what ways I can grow and change. To remember who I was before my marriage. What was important to me. And, I spend time thinking about these things. Really, I do. But the truth is, I loved being a wife. I loved loving someone. I loved being there for someone, taking care of them, and trying to add something special to their life. I also loved being a family. I loved that my children had two parents that they could count on to be there for them, always and in all ways. I did not spend time thinking about what I was missing out on, because I already had what I wanted in life.

Now it is time to build a new life. Time to learn from the one that I had, and time to begin building a new and different future. Time to figure out who I am. I thought I knew. Being divorced or in any way discarded makes you question who you are. I have questioned my worth. I have wondered what I could have and should have done differently. I have found that there are changes I need to make, and I am working on them. I need to believe in myself more. I need to believe that I will be loved again. I need to believe that there is a future for me that will be fulfilling. I need to make it happen. Today, I was catching up with a friend from years ago, and this friend reminded me of something I have forgotten totally. I used to know my worth. I was sure of what I deserved. When did that change? I need to focus on the fact that once I did feel that way, and take hold of that feeling again.

I recently rented (through Netflix…love it!) Pollyanna. This movie I saw as a child and I wanted my children to have the same experience. I had forgotten about the Disney cartoon in the beginning of it. My kids loved that! (me, too.) Well, most of you have probably seen it, but basically the little girl in the movie plays a game called the “Glad Game”. She is constantly finding something to be glad about even in the worst of situations. Today, while shopping in Target, my son said, “Mom, I’m sad we are divorced. I can’t find the glad in it.” I picked him up, and held him while whispering in his ear that I loved him and that I understand how hard it is to find the glad. I told him I am having a hard time, too, but that I know… He stopped me and said, “I know, Mom. I know what you are going to say!” I asked him what, and he said “We are going to be okay.” Yes, Grant, we are.

I guess the GLAD for me is that I’ve allowed myself to be more vulnerable with my friends. Maybe that sounds silly, but for me this is something I have not done before. I have always kept my personal life personal. I have not leaned on those friends before, and now I see how much they have held me up through all of this. Another GLAD is finding that I have friendships formed in high school and college that still mean so much to me. I had lost touch with almost all of these people. My life was so focused on my family that I did not maintain these relationships. I am GLAD I have these friendships back in my life. I am GLAD my kids are going to grow up seeing their mother as someone that was there for them, each and every day. I am GLAD they will know that I am strong. I think they will probably appreciate that more now than they would have had our family stayed together. I am GLAD for my family, including my in-law family. They have supported me and loved me through all of this. I am GLAD that I have found mentors to help me with my walk with God. Thank you to all of you that have helped me in more ways than I can say.

So, it is time to remember to be GLAD. Time to focus. Time to learn from my mistakes, and time to try again. Time to look toward my future, and the future I am going to help my children create. Time to be thankful.

2009-05-22T12:02:00.000-07:00

SuperHero

I think I may be a superhero. Or I may need one. Here is my problem: I can't figure out how to get a picture on here for my blog following. I added a couple of blogs, and I don't know how to add the pic I want! I want it to be the tulips at the top of the page. Which, I might add, brings me to my next problem. How do I make my title appear without losing the picture, or hiding it behind words? None of these things will keep me up at night, but I might sleep sounder if I could figure it out!

When thinking of a title for my blog, I tossed around the ideas of :New kid on the blog, This crazy thing called Life, My crazy quilt life, etc....but since I couldn't decide, I went with Bits and Pieces. I really feel like it reflects what will be posted, so.....onto my superhero status...

I think I may be a superhero because I have been known to kiss away owies, chase away monsters, and my kids like to read. :) I have even felt invisible before, but I don't think that will count. It was almost confirmed when Audrilyn was asked what my name would be if I was a superhero (for a mother's day card made at school), and she said it would be "ElastiGirl" because I do yoga. Oh, to be seen through someone else's eyes. Precious.

All I really want to be is remembered for being someone that could be counted on, someone that was/is always there for my children, and someone that made a positive difference in the life of another. That would make me the biggest superhero of all. Have a great weekend!

2009-05-21T18:36:00.001-07:00

Well, I have done it. Started a blog. I have no idea what I am going to say, but it seems like a good way to inspire me to write, and recently I have begun doing so. I am no great author, but I do enjoy research, reading, and then thinking about ideas and applying them to my life. I have no idea how often I'll update this, but I'm kinda proud of myself for doing this. One more new thing for my new life. You'll no doubt hear more about this as time goes on. I'm posting something that I recently wrote, which inspires me. I'm also going to post quotes, verses, and sayings that help me grow and get through the day. I'm lucky to have a lot of inspiring and clever friends that have witty things to say, and I want a place to keep record of their inspiration. I will also post things that are happening in my family life. My kids are neat. Atleast I think so! This blog is a journey. I'm excited about where it will lead. Here is something I recently wrote:

Ocean Living

It may seem strange, but I love a good analogy. In fact, I even chose to take a graduate entrance test in the form of analogies because I find them interesting. I love trying to find the way something fits together, almost like a puzzle. What is the connection between two things…How do they work together…What can I learn from them?

Recently I was thinking about life and the ocean. I see the analogy between the two in that both have moments of peace and calm, and times of turmoil. And while they both have their ups and downs, I can draw something from both of them to increase my sense of well-being. The ocean is full of beauty, wonder, and it is teaming with all sorts of creatures, big and small. Each creature is different, some as different as day and night! There are beautiful, interesting animals, ever changing coral reefs, and the way that the moon draws the tides in an out denotes a true miracle and sense of controlled peace. I think of how I feel when I am walking along the beach and the peace I feel while watching the birds fly over the ocean. I think of the many possibilities just lying there below the water’s surface. Is there a family of dolphins nearby? Will I see a fish jump out of the water? I wonder how large the fish are swimming out there as far as I can see.

The ocean, in all of its beauty, is also full of danger, turmoil, and the never ending changes that some my say bring about a sense of the mundane. Each creature in the ocean has been created with a way to protect itself from impending danger, whether by camouflage, poisonous sting, a quick ability to retreat, or the ability to adapt when danger creeps into an environment. When the ocean becomes riled up, there is endless danger for anyone foolish enough to try to ride it out in a storm. You always hear of those that find an impending storm the best time to enter the ocean. The waves are the highest, you get the best ride on the surf, and the sense of defeating danger draws so many into its turbulent current. There are also those that can be caught unaware, though, that a storm is coming, and some lose their lives to a capsized boat, an attempt at saving another, or by the sheer panic that arises in such a terrible moment.
Life is a lot like the ocean in that there is intense beauty, peace, and wonder abundant for those that look for it. But, danger and hardship co-exists with the same ocean. It is impossible to have one without the other in this world. When you are feeling like your life is joyfully progressing along, and you are then hit by a wave that crashes into you unexpectedly, it can be hard to keep your feet steadied underneath you. You know it “can” happen, but you are not always prepared for its force. It is important to remember that change can be a beautiful thing, if you look for the joy that may be just under the water’s surface. The coral reefs are full of change, and yet, they persevere on. They continue to grow, change, and rebuild their environment in order to remain. Seashells wash up onto the beach, and we search for the beautiful unbroken ones when we walk along the shoreline. Yet each of these shells, whether broken or “perfect”, represents the lost home of an animal. This animal either lost itself completely, or had to make a new home for itself in another shell. It may have outgrown the first one, and needed to move on in order to continue thriving. These thoughts make me think about how my life has so many wonderful moments and possibilities in it. I am blessed with beautiful friends, a family that I am finding a sense of comfort and love in, and my children who are the most amazing creatures in my life. I sense a future full of wonder and joy, and I feel it is just beyond the next wave. And until it reaches me, I will enjoy the peace, calm, and beauty that I am already surrounded by, all the while knowing I am strong enough to handle whatever comes my way.